The Many Of Me

One of the Plex personalities

Today was a real struggle the whole day long. I’m not sure how many times I attempted to get up, dressed, and doing something productive, each time ending up back in bed. Extreme physical pain, a migraine, and sick stomach worked together to keep me down. Cliff was home from work  before I managed to get fully dressed and up. I did eventually get to go over to a friend’s home to knit and talk together. She gave me a book I am sure I will be sharing with you here. The Christian author is writing about healing past traumatic memories that are impacting you still today. He has the perspective that everyone has separate personalities, though perhaps not divided to the extent that a person diagnosed with DID is. I’m not sure I would go quite that far, but I do believe many more people have separate personalities than are diagnosed with DID.

Technically it is Wednesday morning rather than Tuesday evening, but it just took this long to get to a point in the day that I could sit down and write. My time with my friend was worth the wait, though. You would think that I wouldn’t want or need to sleep until close to late morning, but I’m literally falling asleep while I type now, so I will close soon.

So what about you. Do you take for granted the ability to get up and dressed and go about your day without medical and/or health issues hindering your ability? Take a moment right now to thank God for the blessing of health.

A dear lady friend is struggling with the deep heart belief that she is unworthy of life and is unworthy of the help and support her friends desire to give her. What follows is what I shared with her based on my own journey out of the same kind of sense of unworthiness:

“ For me, the belief that I was unworthy whittled down to a self-hatred. I believed I was unworthy of the air I breathed.  Once I realized that, other things made more sense to me.  Every suicide attempt had to do with cutting off my oxygen through some method.  That tied to a time when I was an infant.

My memories of the event (which I have clear, vivid memories of) include a throbbing pain in my left ear; but my father had no awareness of that.  All he knew was that everything he did to get me to stop my incessant crying failed, and he was exhausted and desperately needed me to stop crying.  In a moment of desperation, he put my infant body on the bed and put a pillow over my head and pressed down until I lost consciousness.  Less than two years later I was left alone in a tub with my oldest brother and he pushed my head under the water and held it under. That time I survived because my mother came back into the room before I lost consciousness.  Both times, my air was cut off. I couldn’t breath.  At that tender age I drew the conclusion that I was unworthy of the air I breathed.

Dear friend, there may or may not be one or more events in your past that would add to your understanding of your false heart belief; but I want you to understand that you don’t have to remember the events to be free from the false heart belief.  I believe God has given me very unique ways to validate and verify my memories so that I have the ability to assure those who don’t have the same abilities that they can and need to trust that their false heart beliefs are to reckoned with as having validity. (I know that sounds weird, but I don’t want to say they are true – they just have a valid source.) )  I told you my experience to help you understand that there are deeply rooted reasons you believe what you believe.  Denying that reality and/or simply noting in mind and soul that they are untrue isn’t enough to change or nullify them.

The next step is going to sound preachy, but put on your academic hat now to take in the following information:

The concept that we are unworthy of love and/or life can be supported through Scripture (in the same way that satan quoted Scripture to Jesus when he tempted Him).  When it is balanced or recognized within the base understanding that we are of extreme value to God, it is a truth that keeps us thankful and humble.  But when it is built on the foundation of shame (imposed shame), it is a deadly lie straight from the enemy of our souls.  satan knows the power of the truth that God alone deserves full credit for our worthiness – we are worthy of love and life because of Who God is and what He has done, not because of anything we can do or be [take that in, dear friend. It is critical to embrace this truth to rightly understand and interpret your core level recognition that you are in deed unworthy of life and God’s love.] That is why satan has devised an alternative “truth” that is so close to the truth that it makes a deadly counterfeit.  satan’s counterfeit is shame based, often focusing on things that you did or things that were done to you to validate it.  It draws the conclusion that because we are unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness, that it is wrong or sinful or even arrogant of us to accept His grace or His pardon – to see ourselves as the priceless treasures that we are because God has chosen to make us of extreme value to Himself.  In reality, it is the ultimate arrogance to conclude that our own assessment of our value is more valid than God’s. I know that you don’t believe that but I say it that way so you can see the contrast, so that you can distinguish the truth from the false “truth”.  Do you follow?

Going back to shame based thinking.  My Christian counselor has explained it to me this way: There is shame that all creation feels because we are living in a fallen world. We live in a world in need of a Savior, and that need is deeply recognized by everyone alive. There is a shame that is better defined as a conviction. It is the testimony of God’s Holy Spirit within us that we need to repent of a sinful thought or action. God convicts us that something we are doing/saying/believing is wrong and counter to His design and purpose for our lives.  And there is shame that is imposed upon us.  It is when we feel shame for things that have no basis for it – when we are told or taught through experience that something is wrong when in reality there is no wrongness in it.  It is called imposed shame.  If you were taught through discipline, words, behavior, or life event that you should feel ashamed of something that is in reality a good/healthy/natural response to life, belief about life, and/or aspect of life – that is imposed shame.  It is very hard to counter because there is no remedy for it.  Christ’s sacrifice and redeeming grace is the solution to natural shame. Repentance is the remedy to conviction.  There is no remedy to imposed shame because there is no legitimate cause and it serves no legitimate purpose.  It becomes a weight around our necks and on our backs that we try to bear up under and sometimes breaks us.  The only solution to imposed shame is to recognize its falsehood and uproot it/deny it/ and to counter it with truth. Then you must heal from the wounds you have acquired from it.

Now, going back to your heart-belief that you are unworthy. Which category do you think it is based on? It’s possible that aspects of it may fall into different categories. If that is the case, deal with them each in the appropriate way.  If you believe an aspect of it is based on a truly sinful thought or action, then repent from it. (If repenting doesn’t bring you relief, then it probably isn’t really sin-based shame.)

When I was new to therapy and the healing process, my psychiatrist helped me distinguish between imposed shame and conviction (although he didn’t call it that) by challenging me to put myself in the role of my parents and my children in the role of me.  He would say something like, “ If you were the parent in that situation and it was your child who was doing/saying/believing…, would you respond the same way that your parent’s did?” Frequently my response was a horrified, “ Absolutely not!” and then we would proceed to map out a better, healthier response. I think this technique is sometimes referred to as self-parenting.  It forced me to recognize that my parents were not the ideal parents I had idolized them to be, and it helped me to counter the false beliefs that I applied to myself because of the unintentionally imposed shame from my parents.

Now, dear friend, I give you the same challenge.  If it was one of your children believing/feeling/saying the same as you, what would you say to them? Would it be ok with you that they didn’t let you help them because they didn’t feel worthy of your love and care? Please let yourself receive what you would want them to receive.”

It is my sincere hope and prayer that if there is a reader of this blog who is suffering under the same burden my dear friend is suffering under, that you, too, will take these words to heart and find strength and encouragement to challenge your own false heart beliefs and seek out the help and support of a trustworthy friend.

For many in the USA, today marks the 10^th anniversary of an extremely tragic event in our history. Like many others, I do remember exactly where I was and what was happening when I learned of these tragic events and watched them (speaking for those of me who were conscious at the time).

But for me it marks the monthoversary of a wonderful day – the day my beloved and I wed. It seems very strange to be in the space mentally that I am in now, especially today; but it is worth trying to express.

The position I find myself in feels so unique that at first it seemed like no one would be able to relate to it; but as I contemplated further, I realized that there are many people who may find themselves in a similar predicament even though it would be for a different reason. For me, I was/am 100% committed to loving and staying married to one man for a lifetime. When I was a teenager that man was a boyfriend whom I “married” privately with only God, him, and me present. God brought that relationship to an abrupt end, which nearly tore me inside out; but the choice to obey God and end the relationship brought miraculous peace and acceptance. When my first legal marriage became abusive, I was devastated; but I was committed to being the best Christian wife and mother I could be. I know that may sound arrogant, but it was a commitment I was determined to live out because I believed it was what God desired/demanded of me. I set out to live it in His strength and by His guidance for His glory. I couldn’t see any other way.

Then came the trip south that resulted in trauma that drove me from consciousness for many years – years during which other personalities lived my life for me and made the choices they made based on what they believed God was leading them to do. Those choices included divorcing my ex-husband, and building a new relationship w/ a man who was/is truly loving and committed to a life-long marriage relationship w/ the many of me. Now I am back and somehow I must reconcile the fact that I am simultaneously fully emotionally and mentally committed to two men.

I never chose to divorce my first husband; and in all honesty I don’t really think I would/could make that choice. I know in my heart of hearts that if I were not now married to someone else, I would be living with and be fully committed to loving my first husband as I write this. I admit to the possibility that if God had so clearly lead me to divorce my first husband as He did lead those who took over my life for me, then I might have divorced him to protect my children while they were young and vulnerable to his abuse (the whole time I was married to him he never directed his abusive temper at them; but if he had I might have seen the necessity to remain separate from him until they were adults).

Yet my strong commitment to marriage makes me extremely committed to being all the wife my now husband desires. Although he was a stranger to me when I first came back to current time, I was no stranger to him. He has loved me tenderly and with extreme patience and kindness. I can find nothing in this man not to love and be completely committed to. God has shown tremendously generous tender loving care and mercy in bringing this marriage into existence. I would be a fool to do anything to dishonor or injure it.

So you see, I am at polar opposite extremes with myself. My counselor is encouraging me to be patient with myself and give myself time to mentally and emotionally adjust/adapt to my current living situation. I am trying to do that, but each day I live as my dear Beloved’s wife, I must make choices in thought and behavior, word and deed that either strengthen or undermine my current marriage. I am choosing to do and say what I can to nurture and support the marriage I am now in, while being honest with myself about the conflict that tears at my heart and sense of integrity.

As I said in the start of this post, it is a unique situation yet it is not so far different from others who may have gotten carried away in an affair or reconnected with an old flame with whom there had never been good closure and healing. These people may, like me, find themselves with very conflicting feelings and thoughts. If you are one who can relate to my dilemma, then perhaps you will resonate with my resolve to stay honest about confusing and mixed thoughts/feelings while simultaneously taking great care to honor the marriage commitment you are currently in.

I have talked tenderly and carefully to my beloved about the situation I find myself in; and I have asked him to please be patient and give me a sabbatical from physical intimacy while I sort out my thoughts and feelings and endeavor to come to a place where I can again fully offer all that I am to being all that he desires/needs me to be. You may feel the need to do the same. If so, I strongly encourage you to be fully honest and disclosing to someone you can trust to be a good counselor and guide; and also to do the things you are able to nurture the relationship you currently have w/ your dear husband/wife.