The Many Of Me

I write tonight with a very heavy heart. I’m glad the last post focused on the EMDR, since that is what is troubling me so tonight – not EMDR really, but what the EMDR has brought up.

I suppose it’s not surprising or to be unexpected, but it is a very painful place to be.

I want to bring you along, help you get some grasp of what it is like to be a multiple. I suppose this is part of it. I’m moving along, feeling secure in the progress being made, and a significant switch happens and all of a sudden it’s so very hard to see the forest through the trees.

I was aware of a weight that felt like an interference in my ability to function; but I chalked it up as a drain of energy from struggling to catch up to date with the mundane things involved in living “normally” despite a dramatic time gap. I felt the anger stirring under the surface, but I hadn’t really realized the amount of TNT in that keg of dynamite, or what the real source of it was.

Doing the EMDR brought what was brewing under the surface to conscious thought, and I realized a few critical things – the most significant being how extremely angry I am at my ex-husband, and something else I’m not yet ready to put in print.

My Christian counselor (who also does EMDR occasionally with me) helped me to put some perspective to it. My dilemma really centers on the fact that I went from being married to one man who I expected to be married to for the rest of my life to being married to another man who I hardly even knew. For me there was no transition, no opportunity to experience the changes that happened over several years time in real life, no time to grieve the loss of one relationship or gradually develop the thoughts and feelings that lead to and nurtured the new relationship, or to adjust to a major shift in a very core level belief. I need to give myself time for my emotions and thoughts to catch up to my reality.  My extreme rage for the abuse that occurred in my first marriage that made the divorce necessary for survival only complicates things for me. I’m recognizing how much my father’s (and mother’s) responses to me during my adolescent years really set me up to marry an abusive man. They were sincerely trying to nurture what they believed to be a heart of service that would serve me well in adult life, but the impact it had on me was very negative. The fact that my ex-husband was strongly encouraged to attend the same seminar about male/female roles in marriage that my father and I attended played in heavily to my ex-husband’s abuse towards me, and that is another thing that leaves me feeling resentment towards my father.

So, you see, I’m very muddled in a big muck of confusing rage swimming in a huge time-gap complicated with an enormous span between my core level beliefs and my living reality. Yeah, that pretty well sums it up. It really doesn’t feel good at all!

I’m very weepy today. I started my session with my EMDR counselor today celebrating the insight that I had while writing the piece about truth. Then he asked what we needed to work on today, and things got real hard real fast.

I had two major issues I wanted to deal with – my anger and resentment that remains towards my Dad with the intended purpose of coming to a point of forgiveness that I can express to him; and my anger and resentment that remain towards my first husband.

I didn’t even bring up the second issue before I dissolved into tears. I have come to realize after two heavy-duty EMDR sessions that bitter tears come with the process. As we got into the issue with Dad, it wasn’t too long before it was tied into the issue with my ex-husband, even though the therapist I was working with had no indication I also wanted to work on it. It became very clear that the two are linked together.

I just started to say that my dad wasn’t in any way responsible for the abuse my ex-husband did to me, but the fact is, my dad’s responses to the abusive relationships I was involved in during my teen years played a part in how I responded to my ex-husband’s abuse. Also, when I fled an abusive episode a few months after I was married and ran to my dad, his response to that was to send me back to my ex-husband to submit to his authority. My ex was smart. He knew I would run to my dad, and when I returned he knew my dad had sent me back. I have to honestly say that I think if my dad’s response had been different, my ex’s response would have been different.

I have to say a few things to clarify those statements. First of all, my husband is 100% responsible for his actions towards me. My dad didn’t put an end to it; and I chose to live with it – both playing an influential part in the duration and intensity of the abuse. However, no one shares the blame for the strategic abuse perpetrated against me by my husband with him – he is fully responsible.

Secondly, I understand why my dad sent me back. Dad and I attended a conference entitled Basic Youth Conflict by Bill Gothard when I was a teenager, and one of the basic beliefs taught in that seminar was that one of the purposes of marriage is the spiritual protection of the wife – like an umbrella protects from rain, and if the wife steps out from under her husband’s authority for any reason including spousal abuse, she subjects herself to spiritual attack and stands in opposition to God’s efforts to work effectively in her husband’s life. I totally get how off the mark this belief/teaching is, but at the time it was the reason my dad sent me back and I obeyed. My ex and I attended another session of this seminar before we were married (this was strongly encouraged by my father) so he knew before we were married that if he could prevent me from knowing about his explosive temper until after the wedding, my belief system would prevent me from leaving and my father’s belief system would not counter that. In fact, my ex said as much to me soon after we were married.

I could write reams about my ex’s abuse. It was strategic, manipulative, and severe to the point of both medical and psychiatric hospitalizations. But EMDR is about my emotional responses to the abuse, the beliefs about myself and my world and God that were impacted by the abuse, and giving vent to the emotions generated by the abuse. Technically, my therapist explained it this way: The abuse (or other traumatic experiences) create a circuit of negative thoughts and emotions stored in the right hemisphere of the brain that block out the influence of other facts or information. EMDR develops a bridge between the two hemispheres and breaks into those circuits so that healing can take place. The emotions and thoughts resulting from the abuse had a purpose, but my belief system prevented me from acknowledging their validity or listening to them, and so they are stuck in this circuit. Once they are given full validity and voice, they have served their purpose and given an avenue out of the circuit. They will dissipate or dissolve – move on through and go away. However, I am finding that these feelings have been suppressed for a long time and their purpose cannot be dissolved in a 1 1/2 hour session. I am still feeling their intensity. I have an extra session scheduled with my therapist next Tues. to help deal with these emotions that are so freshly stirred up.

EMDR is typically highly effective for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and processing grief following a traumatic event. Over the years that I have been doing it, I have found it to be very effective therapy for Dissociative Disorders, too. Often during a session I am very upset because I am in touch with the grief and pain an event has caused, but frequently I feel much better by the time I leave. Sometimes I remain upset. Other times I have had nightmares following EMDR sessions for a few nights. Sometimes it takes days or even a couple weeks before there is a breakthrough. The insight about the deliverances came two days after an EMDR session that was focused on the deliverances. Over all it has a very good track record (all personal history of this therapy is being given to me, Plex, by others of my people).

All of this to say I don’t know what the next few days will be like, but I am confident that the eventual outcome will be very good.

The insight I had while writing the post about truth has had an extremely significant impact on my healing journey and the path I am on.

For a while after I wrote the post about truth, I really didn’t give the whole issue much attention or thought. It was just such a humongous consideration with heavy implications and I was already maxed out with being so stressed and focused (by necessity) on the numerous challenges I faced just living moment to moment in this time/space without the benefit of having built knowledge, awareness, and experiences over the years of time I was in – the time between when we went to the south for the deliverances and a few weeks ago when I came back out for the first time since then. [ok, so that sentence was a wild rollercoaster ride but hopefully you all were able to stay with me through it.] The point it that I couldn’t mentally cope with or handle dealing with the new insight into the trip south while I was still operating on a crisis mode level with just adapting to life here and now. I talked about it in counseling, and that helped to eventually make it a more manageable thing to contemplate and analyze during non-counseling time; but for a while I pretty much had to block it from mental processing until the daily living challenges were less stressful for me.

So, now I can discuss it on the blog and share with you all some of the thoughts it has stimulated.

In my childhood and again in my first marriage, a pattern of abuse developed where I was encouraged to trust someone (they would entice me with kind or inviting words) and at the point I came physically close enough or made myself vulnerable, BAMB! I was hit hard where it really hurt worst. Then the assault was followed by jeering and taunting that I was so gullible. My wounds were a joke – a source of entertainment; and the people doing this were family members, friends, a boyfriend, my first husband.

In dawned on me while processing the new insight into the deliverances that one reason it had such a devastating effect on me was that for the first time, it seemed to me that God – My refuge, had done the very same thing to me that my loved ones had done so many times before. If felt like God had waited until I was at my most vulnerable point and then clobbered me. When I realized what I was writing and the implications of it, I realized that instead of the experience with the deliverances being similar to the abuse pattern, it was more like a child who needs surgery. The child cannot understand why the parent they trust to take care of them is forcing them to stay in a hospital and be poked and prodded by strangers. When the surgery is over they feel far worse than when they came to the hospital. Then there is the hard and painful work of rehabilitation that follows. The child may feel very betrayed by their parent, yet in reality the parent did the most loving thing – the necessary thing for their wellbeing and their survival.

I was visiting my ambassador friend tonight and she shared something with me that really touched me. She has an amazing gift to write Scriptures into prayers, often for specific people. This is one she wrote recently:

“This morning’s prayers for you hovered in Phil 4:4-8, Ps 94:19 & Ps 31 especially v. 20

 

Father, give your servant a clear mind; help him immediately corral stray thoughts that would mar his focus. Teach him the discipline of dwelling on what is honorable, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy. Let his reasonableness be known to everyone. For You, Lord, are at hand. In the multitude of his thoughts within him, let Your comforts delight his soul.

 

Let Your precious child take refuge in You and never be put to shame. You are his rock, and will keep him from falling into traps he might not see. He has committed his spirit to You. You have redeemed him. And You are faithful.

 

You have seen his frustration with those who set up idols of religion; You have seen the distress of his soul. You have delivered him and continually provide him with a solid foundation and a secure workplace.

 

Give him strength to carry on when his fellows just don’t get it, when he feels like a reproach to his neighbors and an object of confusion to his colleagues. For his trust is in You, his times are in Your hand. Make Your face to shine upon Your servant, let him not be put to shame, let lying lips be silenced which speak insolently against the righteous in pride and contempt. Cleanse him from the filth of the whispering of many, soothe his emotions, spirit and thought life from intentional and unintentional wounds.

 

Show him Your abundant goodness which abounds for those who reverence You. Let the children of mankind see him take refuge in You and rest secure and untouched by worldly concerns & acceptance. Cover him with Your presence, secure him from the foolish plans of men, shelter him with Your Spirit from the strife of tongues.

 

Lord, preserve your faithful servant, who continues to pour out his life for Your sheep. Keep him strong and of good courage as he waits for You. Jesus, Savior, Friend, Redeemer, thank you for allowing me to ask these things in Your name, for in Your name we have assurance that our Father hears and answers not our words but the deep yearnings of our hearts.”

I heard a brief piece of a broadcast that really touched me deeply. I didn’t catch who was being interviewed – it was only a clip from the “Living The Promise” broadcast with Susie Larsen (8/23/11); but the woman was talking about growing up in Scotland where shepherds and dogs round sheep up and drive the sheep into a pen; and contrasted it with the shepherds in Israel where the shepherd leads the sheep – they follow Him. She made the application that Jesus goes before us in this life, so we know that He takes us to safe places.

She points out that in Romans 7 Paul is describing his frustration with himself and his inability to live life the right way/the way he should. But after Romans 7 comes Romans 8, which starts with “Romans 8:1 – “THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.”and ends with Romans 8:38,39“ 38For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [n]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, 39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”.

She said someone had once told her to imagine that someone made a movie of absolutely everything she ever did or thought about doing and showed it to everyone, and then asked her how she would feel. She replied, “terrible”; and then her friend said God has seen her movie and loves her anyway. The point being made was that there is absolutely no hidden thought or motivation or action that you have ever had that God does not know completely, yet He loves you more purely and perfectly than you can imagine possible. Therefore, there is nothing that can separate His children from Him.

So what about you? Do you sometimes get caught up in trying to look good to others and find yourself buying into your own deception, forgetting how you really look to God? Or maybe you find yourself feeling a little reluctant to spend intimate time with God because you just don’t want to be reminded of the guilt your conscience convicts you of? If so, remind yourself that God isn’t angry at you or pointing His finger at what you’ve done wrong. Nothing you have ever done has shocked Him or caused Him to think less highly of you. Instead, picture His arms open wide, ready to receive His precious children into His warm embrace. I often imagine myself climbing into His lap. When I imagine God in this way, I picture Him like a happy, laughing Papa with a great big lap that encircles me with safety and love. Absolutely nothing can harm me or hurt me when I’m in that protective place – not even the shameful things I have done. I can face them; see them for what they are. I’m filled with a strong desire to do only what honors and pleases Him. I realize that He only wants what is best for me – that is why He hates the sinful things I do. My determination to stay near to His heart and trust His guidance is strengthened

I have a friend who calls me her kaleidoscope friend. I think of her as my ambassador friend because she worships with a large group of people who really don’t understand my multiplicity and see it in a very negative light. Continue reading →

It’s still me, Plex, out and living life with extreme stress. Added to the already heavy stresses mentioned before, there are several medical issues pressing and causing me pain and loss of sleep. I have a ruptured eardrum that I am being treated for but continues to be painful. Continue reading →