To learn more about the dolphins, you’ll want to check out What’s with the Dolphins
To learn more about the dolphins, you’ll want to check out What’s with the Dolphins
Today was the anniversary of my mother’s death. Although the intensity of my feelings has subsided, I still feel the pain of the loss. The injustices of what followed only make the pain more intense. I’ve worked hard to heal, and the progress I’ve made is undeniable, yet the ache in the pit of my soul remains.
Recently our pastor’s wife passed away from Cancer. We are a very small group of believers in our church, so we are very close to one another, and we love our pastor dearly. We will miss his precious wife greatly.
In addition to the grief we feel at this loss, there is the added element of Cancer being the cause of death. It brings back very painful memories of my mother’s death. There are so many things about my mother’s death that shouldn’t have happened the way they did, and I can’t help but still feel the injustice of it all. I’m not mad at God for taking her, just mad at the people who should have been sensitive and supportive and weren’t.
I sent away for a course in writing creative nonfiction to help me with writing my memoir. It was very helpful in many ways, from having a better idea how to write about traumatic events in real life, to tips and instructions about sentence structure. I viewed all 26 lectures straight through over the course of a week or so. Now I am taking each section slower to absorb the teaching and apply it to what I am writing. Each session ends with a writing assignment which I didn’t do the first time through, but I will do the second time. I know now that I really need an agent to promote my book and help me in the process of refining my writing. I don’t know how I am going to go about getting one, but when the time comes I am sure God will open the necessary doors. He has never let me down so far and I don’t expect Him to start anytime soon.
It’s been so long since I put up a new post, I hardly know where to begin. I’ve been working on writing for the book. I purchased a course on writing creative nonfiction. There are many good ideas in it.
I also read a good memoir and got inspiration from that as well. So you see, even though I haven’t posted anything new for quite a while, I haven’t been totally idle. Hopefully it won’t be as long before I post again.
Christmas season is past and the new year begun. After Christmas we bought a new tablet for ourself, and now we are trying to learn how to use it. It has a keyboard and built-in mouse. I struggle to adjust to the smaller keyboard, and am trying to learn not to put my thumbs down while I type since the mouse is right there.
One of the significant things that stands out for me in the other DID blogs is the absence of faith, specifically faith in Jesus Christ. As I look back over the years I have been in therapy, I know that I know that I know that God has guided me and my situations, orchestrating my healing journey. There were times I felt I couldn’t go on; but in those moments I cried out to God to be my Rescuer, and He was. Even in those multiple moments when life seemed pretty much status-quo I was grateful for His reassuring presence. I just don’t know how anyone goes through this without the help and guidance of a loving, tender Heavenly Father.
There are many ways and times when my earthly father let me down; but just as He promised, God has never failed me. I couldn’t always see His hand in the moment, but hind sight has made it clear that God has been completely faithful. I know that it is especially hard to trust God as a faithful Father when your earthly father let you down in big ways; but I also know that God is near to the broken hearted and He will hear and answer prayer to anyone who calls out to Him in sincerity.
So right now I pray for the brokenhearted who read this blog. I pray that they are able to overcome every barrier that stands in the way of them coming to a trusting, loving relationship with their Creator.
I’ve been looking at other DID blogs lately. I want to connect with other multiples, find out how they function and what they think. I’d like to link to some of them here, and maybe they will link to this site. I haven’t figured out how to communicate with them, though. Apparently they didn’t set their sites up to make it easy to post on them if you aren’t on their board. I’m planning to get some assistance from more computer savvy people.
One thing I’ve noticed is that many of the posts others make are shorter and really are just updates on how they are feeling or what they are doing. That’s not always the case, but it’s a theme.
I also noticed that faith doesn’t seem to be a big part of their lives, or at least it’s not in their posts. It’s such a big part of my life and healing journey that I can’t imagine life without it. I’m reminded again how important it is to include that in my own story.
I had what I assume will be my last session with Larry, since he is going on vacation for the whole month of September, and I am sure I will no longer be out by the time he gets back. I’ve grown so much from our sessions together, and I will miss him when I am no longer out.
One of the key issues I wanted to address with Larry was how I should go about connecting with others internally. If the purpose of me being totally separate is over, then it seems to me I should do something to bridge that gap. Larry thinks I don’t need to do anything – that they will get a hold of me when they need me, and when that happens it will be natural for me to respond. When they need the “no” one, they will call on me and I will step in to deal with the situation.
I’m still left with questions. How will I know what the situation is unless I have communication with them? I guess that’s the biggest one. I don’t have an answer. Maybe I will have the opportunity to step back out sometime soon, and it will be like natural to say and do whatever is called for. That’s what I hope for.
Since I have been out (for the past couple months) I have learned a lot. My therapy sessions with Lori and Larry are mind boggling. I find that my whole sense of self-worth and purpose is being changed around.
In the past I have stayed distant from the others, and I refused to write anything in a journal or attend therapy sessions because I needed to stay completely away. But as I reflect on the time since I came out, I see some things that set the stage for me being out – made it possible for me to be out for an extended amount of time. My relationship with my beloved is key. He is a man of extreme patience and incredible gentleness and tenderness. If not for that it would never have been safe for me to be out so long. I am a frightened rabbit. I bunker down low when I am afraid, unable to move. In my mind I run as fast as I can but in reality I am frozen stiff.
Lori has been doing brain spotting and helping me work through my feelings and perceptions about my parents. She talks to me about the locus of control. At first I didn’t think it applied to me, but gradually I realized it really does. That is a painful realization.
Larry has been focusing our time together on changing the way I see myself. I have gone from someone filled with shame to someone who sees that I have a purpose for good – the good of others as well as good of myself. I have learned so much about anger and how it works for my protection, which is why I could never say, “No” to anyone. I have gone from being terrified of being known or identified to letting Larry call me by a primary characteristic; and I am actually writing thoughts down.
I think surely I won’t need to be out much longer, but I’m no longer desperate to be gone. I just can’t imagine needing to do more work than I already have. I suppose there is one more hurdle to cross. I still am intentionally distant from the other parts of me. Larry thinks that is no longer necessary – that it served it’s purpose, but I’m scared. I’m not confident that I would be accepted, or what my role would be.
I guess this is all I can write for now.
I’ve been reviewing what other personalities have posted, and I came across one about art. I realized I haven’t done any expressive art in months. In a way that’s not surprising, since I’m not a super artsy person; but I am able to keep doing other things that other personalities do so I don’t know why not the art. Like, I’ve been doing knitting – a skill others have and I have been accessing. I follow my feet successfully in other things, so why hasn’t it occurred to me that I’m missing the art link. Maybe I need to attend to that.