The Evolution of Our Internal World

Originally we had six different structures with different levels and different rooms. With the exception of the Abode, each of those structures existed prior to receiving any treatment for multiple personalities. (The Abode was added as a safe place for personalities who were so angry that it was important to keep them from being able to come out when we weren’t in therapy.) I have a map of my internal world available here on this website.

For a long time we have understood that there were reasons we had our structures. Each personality had a room either by themselves or with one other personality, except for the infants and toddlers who shared a nursery. The walls provided a place where each personality could feel protected and safe. Personalities who were attached to one or more demonic spirits had walls to prevent those spirits from having access to other personalities. There was one time when a professional tried to combine two personalities who were separated for safety reasons, and the results were disastrous. We learned that spirits had to be kept separate because if they could link up together they increased their power to cause trouble.

The main structure was really only one room. It was the only way that a personality could go in or out of control of the mind and body from any other structure. It was called the Communication Room. There was a large bulletin board where notes could be posted to share important or immediately needed information.

The structure that was directly attached to the Communication Room was the Dwelling. It had three levels. The entrance level had the nursery and large community rooms where personalities could get together. Between the communication room and the Dwelling there was a very large, heavy door made of rugged wood. Prior to entering treatment for Multiple Personalities, we would switch places by going through that door. On the second floor there were halls and rooms that either held a traumatic memory or a personality’s personal space. The Lower Level was down a flight of stairs located on the left side of the Communication Room. It was dark, musty smelling, and cold. There were seven personalities housed in that space; and each one of them held memories of traumas that were life threatening.

The Abode was attached to the second floor of the Dwelling. A lot of thought and planning went into the creation of this structure. It needed to be strong enough to hold powerful, incredibly strong angry personalities. It had to be pleasant for the personalities who stayed there -it wasn’t intended to be a place of punishment. There were safe ways for the residents to express their anger without injuring themselves or anyone else.There was an intercom system that they could turn off or on depending on whether or not they wanted to know about what was happening in the outside world.

The Homestead was where the personalities who experienced family related trauma stayed. They held secrets that they guarded carefully. They felt closely connected to one another. They were the family for each other that each one needed. The homestead was somehow connected to the second floor of the Dwelling because there were ties between some of the Dwelling personalities and the Homestead personalities; but the connection was mysterious for everyone who didn’t need to know.

The final structure was called the Shelter. It was located on a hill that was distant from the other structures. It looked and operated like a mining shaft. There were 13 layers. All the personalities housed here were connected to satanic ritual abuse. This is very hard for us to reconcile with the lives of those of us who are housed in other structures. We know very little about their traumas. We must accept these personalities as parts of us even though their memories are foreign to us. They have gone through the experiences of healing just like the rest of us, and their lives have been transformed dramatically through therapy and conversion to Christianity.

Recently a spontaneous event occurred. All of our structures and walls disappeared. Above us was an intensely bright yellow light that lit up the entire open area. It’s very hard to see, but there are wings extending from both sides of the light, spread open to provide shelter and security to every personality. In the middle of this wide open space is a castle-like fortress, complete with mote and draw bridge. The light shines into the fortress through small windows, creating shadows where the walls block the light. We are all adjusting to and learning about this new internal world.

In just the past couple days we discovered that there are very young personalities crouching in the corners of the fortress. They are hiding in the shadows. These are little ones the rest of us had no idea existed before now. They have not had the benefit of any therapy. They are very frightened and scream in terror if anyone tries to approach them. Until we made this discovery, we assumed that the structures disappearing meant that we were through all the trauma that made the walls necessary. We assumed that massive integration would soon occur. We already were referring to ourself in the singular tense very naturally. We assumed or understood (I’m not sure which) that the fortress was there to reassure us that we would have secure protection if the need ever arose. When we first realized that there were personalities hiding in the shadows, it was natural to assume that they were overwhelmed by the open space and needed the security of the fortress walls while they adjusted to the new internal world. It has only been in the past couple days that we discovered the level of distress these personalities are in. We understand the amount of hard work and time involved in bringing personalities to a point of trust and healing when they are starting at the very beginning of their healing journey. Most likely the fortress is there as protection for all of us in a crisis, just as we thought; but now we see the needs of these little ones are another reason the fortress is there.

We were excited about finally reaching a point in our accumulative healing that we no longer needed walls. This new realization is very sobering. Now the near future doesn’t seem so bright. We reached the end of a very long tunnel only to discover there is another one just ahead, and it’s too dark inside to see how long this next tunnel will be. If not for the bright light and wings above us, we would be dearly tempted to loose perspective.

We remind ourself that we are in a new, brighter space than ever before – the fact that there is more hard work ahead doesn’t take away from that. Now we are in a phase of discovery and change. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. The evolution is not complete. I guess the best way to conclude this post is to say, “Stay tuned. There is surly more to come.”

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