I still feel like I’m in a free fall with the issues with my dad. I’m Plex – the rebel. I was created out of a tenacious rebellion struggling for survival. I don’t know how to be any different.
I got to be the one who talked with the counselor this week. He has amazing insights. He raised the possibility that my dad could be so extremely passive because I carried his anger for him. That was a new thought. It almost makes me mad again. Seems like everyone else (of me) is working through this, but I’m stumped.
If I had a dollar for every time I yelled, “Hypocrite” at my dad during my earlier years (early teens through older teen) I’d be a rich lady; but in my heart of hearts I felt lower than dirt that I said it. In truth my dad was a hero and no matter how hard I tried to be as good as he was, I never got up to his shoe laces he was so high and better than me. Taking him off that pedestal strikes fear to my bones. If he wasn’t really as great as I thought, does that mean I am even that much lower or does that mean we are on level ground?
And here’s the kicker – the very areas of his life that I held in highest regard are the very same areas where I’m now being challenged to see as negatives, so does that make me stupid or what? It sure makes me feel very vulnerable.
So it goes like this – or at least this is what I’m hearing: Dad was able to maintain his cool so well because he put all his anger in me, like I carried it for him. I’m not sure I can buy that, but that is what is being suggested as a possibility. And the thing is, it resonates in my heart that it just might be true.
I love, love, LOVE my dad. He’s been my hero my entire life. When I was hospitalized and diagnosed with MPD, my dad sent a letter to my psychiatrist telling him everything he could think of that he did which might have contributed to me being a multiple. I know this because my doctor didn’t believe in keeping secrets from his patients so he read the letter to me. My dad doesn’t understand the multiplicity, but his heart has been to help.
I want to die well with him. That is a term my therapist uses to describe the ability to be at peace with the relationship and with the person who is dying even if they were not able to be all you needed them to be for you during their life. I want that with my dad. Seeing him for who he really is is an important part of that.
It’s late and I need to stop and go to bed. I know I won’t be able to settle this tonight or any night very soon.
God, please, oh please, help me. Amen