For many in the USA, today marks the 10th anniversary of an extremely tragic event in our history. Like many others, I do remember exactly where I was and what was happening when I learned of these tragic events and watched them (speaking for those of me who were conscious at the time).
But for me it marks the monthoversary of a wonderful day – the day my beloved and I wed. It seems very strange to be in the space mentally that I am in now, especially today; but it is worth trying to express.
The position I find myself in feels so unique that at first it seemed like no one would be able to relate to it; but as I contemplated further, I realized that there are many people who may find themselves in a similar predicament even though it would be for a different reason. For me, I was/am 100% committed to loving and staying married to one man for a lifetime. When I was a teenager that man was a boyfriend whom I “married” privately with only God, him, and me present. God brought that relationship to an abrupt end, which nearly tore me inside out; but the choice to obey God and end the relationship brought miraculous peace and acceptance. When my first legal marriage became abusive, I was devastated; but I was committed to being the best Christian wife and mother I could be. I know that may sound arrogant, but it was a commitment I was determined to live out because I believed it was what God desired/demanded of me. I set out to live it in His strength and by His guidance for His glory. I couldn’t see any other way.
Then came the trip south that resulted in trauma that drove me from consciousness for many years – years during which other personalities lived my life for me and made the choices they made based on what they believed God was leading them to do. Those choices included divorcing my ex-husband, and building a new relationship w/ a man who was/is truly loving and committed to a life-long marriage relationship w/ the many of me. Now I am back and somehow I must reconcile the fact that I am simultaneously fully emotionally and mentally committed to two men.
I never chose to divorce my first husband; and in all honesty I don’t really think I would/could make that choice. I know in my heart of hearts that if I were not now married to someone else, I would be living with and be fully committed to loving my first husband as I write this. I admit to the possibility that if God had so clearly lead me to divorce my first husband as He did lead those who took over my life for me, then I might have divorced him to protect my children while they were young and vulnerable to his abuse (the whole time I was married to him he never directed his abusive temper at them; but if he had I might have seen the necessity to remain separate from him until they were adults).
Yet my strong commitment to marriage makes me extremely committed to being all the wife my now husband desires. Although he was a stranger to me when I first came back to current time, I was no stranger to him. He has loved me tenderly and with extreme patience and kindness. I can find nothing in this man not to love and be completely committed to. God has shown tremendously generous tender loving care and mercy in bringing this marriage into existence. I would be a fool to do anything to dishonor or injure it.
So you see, I am at polar opposite extremes with myself. My counselor is encouraging me to be patient with myself and give myself time to mentally and emotionally adjust/adapt to my current living situation. I am trying to do that, but each day I live as my dear Beloved’s wife, I must make choices in thought and behavior, word and deed that either strengthen or undermine my current marriage. I am choosing to do and say what I can to nurture and support the marriage I am now in, while being honest with myself about the conflict that tears at my heart and sense of integrity.
As I said in the start of this post, it is a unique situation yet it is not so far different from others who may have gotten carried away in an affair or reconnected with an old flame with whom there had never been good closure and healing. These people may, like me, find themselves with very conflicting feelings and thoughts. If you are one who can relate to my dilemma, then perhaps you will resonate with my resolve to stay honest about confusing and mixed thoughts/feelings while simultaneously taking great care to honor the marriage commitment you are currently in.
I have talked tenderly and carefully to my beloved about the situation I find myself in; and I have asked him to please be patient and give me a sabbatical from physical intimacy while I sort out my thoughts and feelings and endeavor to come to a place where I can again fully offer all that I am to being all that he desires/needs me to be. You may feel the need to do the same. If so, I strongly encourage you to be fully honest and disclosing to someone you can trust to be a good counselor and guide; and also to do the things you are able to nurture the relationship you currently have w/ your dear husband/wife.