Since I have been out (for the past couple months) I have learned a lot. My therapy sessions with Lori and Larry are mind boggling. I find that my whole sense of self-worth and purpose is being changed around.
In the past I have stayed distant from the others, and I refused to write anything in a journal or attend therapy sessions because I needed to stay completely away. But as I reflect on the time since I came out, I see some things that set the stage for me being out – made it possible for me to be out for an extended amount of time. My relationship with my beloved is key. He is a man of extreme patience and incredible gentleness and tenderness. If not for that it would never have been safe for me to be out so long. I am a frightened rabbit. I bunker down low when I am afraid, unable to move. In my mind I run as fast as I can but in reality I am frozen stiff.
Lori has been doing brain spotting and helping me work through my feelings and perceptions about my parents. She talks to me about the locus of control. At first I didn’t think it applied to me, but gradually I realized it really does. That is a painful realization.
Larry has been focusing our time together on changing the way I see myself. I have gone from someone filled with shame to someone who sees that I have a purpose for good – the good of others as well as good of myself. I have learned so much about anger and how it works for my protection, which is why I could never say, “No” to anyone. I have gone from being terrified of being known or identified to letting Larry call me by a primary characteristic; and I am actually writing thoughts down.
I think surely I won’t need to be out much longer, but I’m no longer desperate to be gone. I just can’t imagine needing to do more work than I already have. I suppose there is one more hurdle to cross. I still am intentionally distant from the other parts of me. Larry thinks that is no longer necessary – that it served it’s purpose, but I’m scared. I’m not confident that I would be accepted, or what my role would be.
I guess this is all I can write for now.