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Being Redeemed – attempt 2
Well, I explained what the word “redeemed” means, but I never really got into how/why I chose that name for myself.
First you have to understand that prior to choosing my name I really struggled with how to refer to myself/selves. You see, most personalities have a personal sense of self. They have one age, one set of memories, one self-concept independent of the birth personality. That wasn’t and isn’t true of me. The best way I could describe who I was/am was to refer to myself as “the we of me”. I have very definite ages and stages of separate parts of me who have independent experiences and opinions and ideas they identify with, but each part of me shares a collective sense of self. Other personalities have their own individual sense of age, gender, memories, perspectives, thought patterns, behavior patterns, etc. They are subdivided into cell groups, with 1-34 members in each cell group. In my/our case, there are separate ages, personality types, and memories to some extent; but when asked how many there are we can’t really answer because we all share just one common sense of self. No matter which part of me is out, when asked he/she would answer “me” and mean the collective me who is everyone from the internal structure we are from.
It seems like the harder I try to explain who we are/ I am the more confusing it sounds. I really don’t mean to confuse anyone. It’s just very hard to describe how I, Redeemed, experience being many yet at the same time being only one. It seems like I am a personality who almost but not quite split into more personalities. I don’t even know if that ever happens to other multiples – to have alter personalities split into more than one personality. I just know that for me/us the best most functional way to do what we needed to do for the service and benefit of Abigail and the total sum of personalities was to be many who see ourself as one. The primary “job” of each of the parts of me, Redeemed, was to fill in the gap between alters who were coming in/going out for longer periods of time. We kept our existence and the existence of other personalities a secret from Abigail and from people on the outside prior to the diagnosis. After the diagnosis we continued the same job of being out in between personalities who were going to be out longer periods of time, but the focus was/is to provide continuity mostly for the benefit of people who didn’t know about the diagnosis.
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Being Redeemed
Redeemed is a rather “churchie” word. I suppose it could also be a financial word; but not many people use it in their every day conversation. I want to tell you how and why I chose the name, Redeemed.
I explained in an earlier post about being stuck out two Decembers ago. When that started, I didn’t have a name I was identified with. I might have had a name for internal identification before the traumatic deliverance sessions occurred, but I doubt it. There was no need for me to have a name since my whole purpose was to be a connection between personalities. I was all about not being identified.
But then came that fateful time when I was stuck out for an extended period of time. All the wishing not to need a name became pointless. For the first time in my life I was telling my story, dealing with my pain, and healing emotionally and spiritually. But how does one go about choosing a name for oneself? It didn’t seem right to me. I prayed for about a month, asking God to reveal to me what my name should be. It finally struck me when I was reading a passage of Scripture.
Redemption occurs when someone or something of value is in jeopardy of being lost or forfeited. I was in danger of becoming lost in my sin and dysfunction. My response to being deeply injured and offended was to become embittered and distrusting. I could not overcome the thoughts and behaviors that dominated and dictated my life. I needed a Redeemer – Someone who would look past the sins that were done to me and made me feel dirty, past my sinful responses which had penetrated so deep within my soul that they tainted even my very spirit, to the hurting, vulnerable me reaching out for help and redemption. Someone who could and would pay the price for my soul, and not merely clean me up but remake me brand new into someone who could reflect His mercy and grace to others who also needed a Redeemer. After all He did for me, how could I possibly keep it to myself? Could you if He had done it for you? Did He do it for you, too? If you are still in need of a Redeemer, spend some time getting to know the One who redeemed me. Read the gospel of John, and if you need help in making the commitment to become one of His, call 1-888-NEEDHIM. I think they have people on line to help too. Google NEED HIM and I think you will find them – someone who can help you know the important steps that need to follow the decision to follow Jesus Christ.
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Through our eyes
This post is sort of a spin off from the post I made last August (I think) entitled Truth. I made the comment that when we write about our personal history, we are telling it from our perspective; but someone who was also present might record it differently. This is rather complex, since it would be all too easy to either dismiss or invalidate the memory as a non-truth on the basis that someone else might express a more factual or more accurate account of what “really” happened. For the purpose of accurately telling my life story, it can only be told and understood from my sense/perspective of really happened. When I learn of a different perspective I will include that in my telling; but it will be offered as an added perspective, not a replacement of what I experienced. When my experiences have been validated/confirmed through the telling of someone else’s perspective on what I experienced, I might include that as well, depending on the circumstances involved.
If the point of recording/recalling a memory were to identify, condemn, or criticize the perpetrator, it would be very important to have a completely unbiased, factual account of what happened. But that isn’t the goal of this blog. On the other hand, that doesn’t give free license to record/report something that is knowingly false on the basis that the only thing that matters is what it felt like or seemed like to me, either. We endeavor to record/report what really happened and add how it impacted us if that is something different from what really happened. However, we acknowledge the fact that two people viewing the same thing occur will not give identical accounts of the occurrence. It is human nature to interpret a situation from our own viewpoint – we focus in on what matters or makes sense to us. Additionally, some part of the occurrence might have not been visible to everyone present, and that can affect the way they interpret what happened. You may discover in the reading of our story as told by different personalities, that these things are even true when different personalities are telling their personal recollections of what happened to us.
With all that in mind, we truly endeavor to write what really happened, being as accurate in our account as possible. Part of that recording might include how something impacted us due to our limited ability to understand or interpret the event; and the on-going impact that true impression had on us or our family.
To make this more clear, I will offer an example I often choose to explain how something that is untrue can have the same impact as if it were true.
The event occurred when I was an infant. The memory of it first came to me when I was about 7 years old (as confirmed by my father). I had just had a terrifying nightmare (something that occurred frequently at that age) and my father asked me to tell him about it. {It involved my parents moving away and forgetting that I was at school, they left without me. I got off the bus to discover an empty house.} My father exclaimed emphatically that they would never leave without me, and I replied, “but you did once.” He proceeded to tell me of a time when I was about 5 months old when my parents had to take my brother to another state for major surgery and rehabilitation. Thinking that I would be too young to understand, they never told me anything about it. I went to sleep in my own crib and woke up in a different house with my family gone. I believed they had abandoned me, and I gave my caregivers a lot of grief. They didn’t notify my parents of my distress until my parents returned because they felt Mom and Dad had enough to worry about (that is what they told my parents, anyway). When I was a few years older the memory of that event came very clear to me. I remembered the shape of the woman’s glasses, her hair style, and everything about her. I remembered what the man looked like and where he sat in the kitchen. I knew where the kitchen furnishings were located and the pattern of wallpaper in the kitchen. My view was from a high chair, and the woman was trying to pry a spoon with baby food in it into my tightly clinched shut mouth. The whole time she was talking in a very sweet, baby voice saying, “come on, sweetie. You have to eat. If you don’t eat you won’t live.” and the thought I had clearly in my mind was, “I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to live. They left me.” With all the physical features being confirmed accurate, I have to assume the memory of my response was also accurate. I have many more memories of my time under this couple’s care that have surfaced in more recent years.
You can ask the question, “Did my parents abandon me?” with a factual, “No. Their plan all along was to return for me and they followed through with their plan. They did not abandon me.” However, those facts were not available to me to interpret the situation the factual way. I felt abandoned. I believed myself to be abandoned. Therefore my life experiences were affected through the perspective of having been abandoned at age 5 months. This was compounded when my parents left us in this couple’s care a second time at age 11 months. From my adult, detached perspective, it seems likely that the behavior of the couple during my second stay with them can best be understood as them being determined to break my stubborn will. I don’t have any way of knowing what their real motivation for doing what they did was; but it is clear that they saw my behavior of refusing to eat and crying incessantly as something they needed to take a stand against. It would be dishonest to state that I was abandoned by my parents; but my thinking and behavior from that point on were affected the same way a baby who was abandoned would be. My sense of identity, security, and self-worth were severely undermined and impaired in exactly the same way an abandoned baby’s would be. So the whole sum of the facts would have to include my sense of abandonment. Hopefully that adds clarity to what I was trying to say in the beginning of this blog.
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2 B Known – Part 2
We were sharing things from the worship service when we were so rudely interrupted by our churning stomach. So, picking up where we dropped off, we wanted to share some of the quotes the pastor included in his message:
an old Dutch Proverb: “Unknown makes unloved.” That one seemed to us to be rather profound. It immediately made me think of the psychotherapy work we have been doing to process my mother’s death. A key insight that has come out of that has been that my mother died without ever knowing the many of me, so we (especially Plex) feel unloved by her.
Andy Rooney: “A great many people do not have the right to their own opinions because they don’t know what they are talking about.”
Henri Nouwen: “I often wonder if my knowledge about God has not become my greatest stumbling block to my knowledge of God.” To this comment the pastor made the point that it really doesn’t matter how much knowledge we have about God – some of us have more than others – and we often debate issues about God that we really know little or nothing about. But the promise is that, regardless of how much we know about God, every one of us can know Him, intimately and securely.
John Milton: “When we speak of knowing God, it must be understood with reference to man’s limited powers of comprehension. God, as He really is, is far beyond man’s imagination, let alone his understanding. God has revealed only so much of Himself as our minds can conceive and the weakness of our nature can bear.”
Helen Keller, who was blind and deaf from birth, wrote: “Knowledge is love and light and vision”
the pastor also made this point: “We all are “one of a kind” and God knows each of us as if we were the only one on earth.”
Hudson Taylor: “Oh that Christ may be so known by us as a ‘living, bright reality’ that our one desire, our one absorbing heart-passion, may be that we personally gain Christ.”
The final segment of the sermon focused on the joy of being known
Francis Schaeffer (one of my favorite writers and the man who started L’Abri): “Man, made in the image of God, has a purpose – to be in relationship with God, who is there. Man forgets his purpose and thus he forgets who he is and what life means.”
The pastor follows that quote with these observations:
-We all have the tendency to forget who we are in God’s eyes. We forget that He knows us like no one else does, and He still loves us. We forget that we have the capacity to be all that we can be as His marvelous creatures. After all, God created us in His “own image” different from all other creatures. We forget that we have all the resources necessary to live life to the fullest and in keeping with God’s purpose and plan.
To you we say thank you for joining in our afterglow. We hope these snippets of our Sabbath worship have been meaningful to you, too.
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2 B Known – Parts of Sabbath Worship
Our pastor was our worship leader this week as well as preparing the message, so we enjoyed the benefit of the worship service dovetailing with the message. It’s extra special when that happens, in my opinion. Anyway, we thought several of his illustrations and quotes were worth repeating here.
As stated in the last post, the focus was on being known of God; and the key passage of Scripture was Psalms 139. Here is one of his illustrations:
(quote:) An astronomer who was on his way to give a lecture discovered that his seatmate on the airplane was a preacher. Early in the conversation he assured the clergyman that he knew everything about religion he needed to know. The preacher expressed delight and asked where the scientist had studied religion and how much he had read the Bible. “Oh, no,” the astronomer replied, “I’ve never studied theology, and I don’t read the Bible, but I know the Golden Rule, and I figure that’s enough religion for me.” “Well, on that basis,” declared the preacher, “I guess I know all about astronomy..” The scientist scoffed and asked the pastor what he knew about the cosmos. To which the man of the cloth replied gravely, “Twinkle, twinkle little star; how I wonder what you are.”
Pretty funny, Huh? Here is another little story that was included:
A history class was studying the Revolutionary War. They learned that the battle of Saratoga was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat. A voice from the back of the room shouted: “A lack of no Howe!”
That story was followed by the point that, “Too often we struggle with life’s battles because we have a lack of “know how’ about God.”
There is more that I want to share, but my stomach is too upset to continue right now. So this post will have to end with “to be continued”
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Worship Service- Being Known: Psalms 139
The focus of the worship service and sermon today was centered on part of Psalm 139. This is such a powerful passage of Scripture that hits us personally, especially as a multiple, and I just want to share it with you along with parts of the message we heard today:
Psalm 139 Amplified Bible (AMP)
To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1O LORD, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me.
2You know my downsitting and my uprising; You understand my thought afar off.
3You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways. {(my insert): where life’s journey is leading me; Your knowledge base about me/us and our life is complete}
4For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.{ You know what I’m going to say even before I say it; and You know what every part of me would say if they were out}
5You have beset me and shut me in–behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me.{You are always one step ahead of me, and You have my back covered}
6Your [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high above me, I cannot reach it.
7Where could I go from Your Spirit? Or where could I flee from Your presence?{Sometimes our awareness of ourself is so frightening & shameful to us that we want to run away and hind, especially when we take into consideration that You know us better than we know ourself}
8If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol (the place of the dead), behold, You are there.{there is great comfort and assurance in knowing that if I were to succeed in hiding You would still be right with me, even in my hiding place – &there have been times when I would have chosen to hide in suicide, but even there God would be with me/us}
9If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10Even there shall Your hand lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me. {God’s plan for my life isn’t destroyed when I lose courage and hide; even when I have failed to respond to my circumstances in faithfulness, God will be faithful to stay with me/us}
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me and the night shall be [the only] light about me,
12Even the darkness hides nothing from You, but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You. {Have you ever been in a cave and all the light is turned off? That extreme darkness makes a person feel very lost, small, and alone. Being found & held in the dark is an extremely comforting experience.}
13For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother’s womb.{Even every part of every alter personality is completely known by You, God; because You were there and were involved & in control even when we were so traumatized that inward parts were being created.}
14I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.{ Oh most Holy Father, until my final breath I pray that in my heart of hearts I will eternally be confessing and praising You; I/We are full of awe and wonder when we think of the way You have created us from our very beginnings}
15My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret [and] intricately and curiously wrought [as if embroidered with various colors] in the depths of the earth [a region of darkness and mystery].
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance, and in Your book all the days [of my life] were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there was none of them.{ I need not fear of wandering off the path you have chosen for my life, or dieing prematurely; every day of my life has meaning and purpose because they are all part of Your plan.}
17How precious and weighty also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18If I could count them, they would be more in number than the sand. When I awoke, [could I count to the end] I would still be with You. {I can never tire of learning from and contemplating the thoughts of God as they are expressed to me/us through the Scriptures and through His Holy Spirit communing with my spirit – I can never reach the end of them}
19If You would [only] slay the wicked, O God, and the men of blood depart from me–{In honest outpouring of my pain and distress I cry out to God to vindicate me before my perpetrators.}
20Who speak against You wickedly, Your enemies who take Your name in vain!{I hate those who make themselves the enemies of God.}
21Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You? And am I not grieved and do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22I hate them with perfect hatred; they have become my enemies.
23Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.{I/we can and do express all our thoughts and feelings openly and honestly to You, O God; and I need You to help me sort out what is pleasing to You from what dishonors You, because I want to do and be what honors and pleases You.}
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Keep Pressing Ahead
written by Plex
“Keep Pressing Ahead” is the title of the series of Bible study currently being taught by Chip Ingram on Living On The Edge radio broadcast. It’s a study taken from the experiences recorded for us in Nehemiah about the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem after the Babylonian exile. Chip Ingram has a wonderful way of making his Bible studies very relevant, practical, and easy to understand and apply. It’s one of my favorite radio broadcasts. I am in the process of catching up on broadcasts of this series that I have missed, and I invite you to listen on line for yourself. I will be adding a link to this broadcast when I finish this post.
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Perpetrators : Some Does and Don’ts
It’s been a while since I have posted anything, even though I have been out occasionally in the past few weeks. I want to continue along the line of thought that Plex has been writing about, with some does and don’t related to the topic of perpetrators.
DO: seek outside help in facing and dealing with the perpetrator and the problems that a perpetrator brings into your life. This is not a do-it-yourself fix-it kind of project. No one else can help you very much until you are ready and willing to share your situation; and attempting to confront your perpetrator alone can be very dangerous. I know that there are extreme challenges to actively and practically attempting to get help to deal with abusive relationships. Some of those challenges are in your own thinking and determination. Some of them are highly practical and involve strategy and fall-out. If you are currently in this type of relationship, please let us reach out to you and gently encourage you to prayerfully ( you DO need God’s guidance and help) determine to seek out the help and support you need. There are secular organizations in most communities in the USA who are skilled and equipped to help, but there can be limitations and practical concerns involved in receiving help from them. Most pastors and counselors are trained and prepared to know how to help you. (If you go to one and they don’t prove to be helpful, then go to someone else.) If you are reading this blog and you are not in an abusive relationship, be thankful and pray for those who are. I would also encourage you to learn how you can help if a friend or family member ever comes to you for help in dealing with this type of situation.
DO NOT: give up. Some people feel overwhelmed or at a loss to know how to help you. They may give you platitudes like, “hang in there” or “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I will be sure to pray for you in your awful situation.” or some other dismissive comment. If your perpetrator is someone who is highly respected, you might even encounter people who will not believe you. We have even had people we talked to about the abuse we were receiving from our ex-husband go to him and warn him that I was telling dangerous lies about him. A marriage counselor we were seeing once had the audacity to tell me in front of my ex-husband that I should let his highly abusive words roll off my back like water roles off the back of a duck. That same counselor literally pace the floor in rage when I walked into his office one evening with a big bruise on my face that was the result of a physical blow from my ex-husband. My response to him at the time was to point to my face and say, “this…will heal in a few days with no ongoing negative impact; but this (pointing to my heart, and then to my head) will not.” His mouth dropped open with astonished realization of his error when he counseled me to let the words roll of my back like a duck.
The point is some people will not know how to respond, even people you have every right to expect will. If you share your trials with someone and they don’t offer real help and support, then tell someone else. No matter what anyone says, this is not a one man’s or woman’s battle. Yes, you do need to pray and you do need to seek God’s guidance in how and when to protect yourself and/or confront your perpetrator; but that doesn’t discount or minimize the importance of getting help from people outside of the situation.
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Perpetrators: How do they know?
There were times when I was early in recovery from codependency that I asked the question in therapy groups, “Do I have some kind of invisible neon sign over my head that only perpetrators can see that says, ‘easy target’ or something?” How do perpetrators know who they can hurt and who will send them on their way with a boot in their behind?
written by Plex
It’s now quite that obvious, but we do in fact signal them. Perpetrators pick up on body language and verbal ques that tell them this is a person who is a defeated foe before there is even an attack. In conversation victims often blames themselves for things outside of their sphere of influence. They may keep their eyes downcast and overt any eye contact. Their shoulders may be slumped inward. Their clothes can also be an indication of how they feel about themselves which can be a clue as to whether or not they will accept passively an assault against them.
These are all things that need to change for a person to break free of the cycle of abuse. If you don’t have any of these tendencies, you may think they wouldn’t be too hard to change; but that would be a wrong assumption. Learning to make and keep eye contact can be a huge victory when everything inside of you makes you automatically do the opposite. Clothing changes can include changing the size, fit, colors, styles, and combinations. Figuring out what colors make you shine with confidence, what colors, size, and styles naturally enhance your appearance, and then becoming comfortable in them can be a daunting task. Hair styles can make a significant difference in how you feel about yourself; but finding a new hair style that exudes self-assurance and then getting comfortable with it can also be a significant challenge.
These are just a few examples of non-verbals that a perpetrator “reads” when choosing a victim. When the perpetrator is someone in the family of the victim, other family relationships and dynamics can also play a significant part in choosing a victim. Re thinking and re learning these and other non-verbals can go a long way towards avoiding future attacks or unhealthy relationships, but it will take a lot of time, effort, and intentionality to accomplish it.
I just have to say again how thankful I am for God’s guidance in our own process of healing that we have gone through. Much of what is in this post we have had to learn on our own – so far as we know it isn’t written in any self-help books for victimization recovery. Our hope is that it will be useful to those who are on their own journey toward healthy thinking, or possibly those who are endeavoring to help others on their journeys.
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