The Many Of Me

I base this understanding/belief on both practical life and Biblical evidence. In life, if person were to cause another person to fall under the wheels of moving vehicle, the person run over by car will suffer injury that will need immediate medical attention. If person who caused accident, whether intentionally or accidentally it doesn’t matter, were to quickly scoop up injured person into their own car, drive them to their own home, and hide them from outside world. Then tell them how sorry they are, receive forgiveness, and then tell  injured person to go on with life and forget about the whole thing because it is forgiven, it would be recognized as cheap repentance. It would not be true acknowledgment of guilt or responsibility for accident. True repentance would involve helping the person get the medical help needed to truly recover from accident, even when it required person to own responsibility to injured person’s family members, medical staff at hospital where he takes injured person for treatment, and police who are responsible for seeing to it that justice is served to all citizens. All that is true even if injured person does not press legal charges (which he continues to have right to do) because he has forgiven offender.

And what if injured person remains hidden in home of offender, and although forgiveness has been requested and received, injured person doesn’t get well but instead gets increasingly symptomatic that even deeper injury was acquired at time of accident than either previously perceived, and still offender does not take injured person to receive medical treatment needed so they continue to lay in the home ignored because offender continues to tell self that there is no more responsibility to injured person since forgiveness has been given, perhaps even begins to feel imposed upon that injured person continues to suffer in his home. So injured person dies of neglect and injury and eventually neighbors smell stench and call authorities to remove remains but offender still sees himself as absolved of all responsibility and may even feel sad for dead person that they were not able to recover and get themselves out of his home (and maybe just a little bit resentful that his home has been so negatively impacted by this person’s stench). Or to write the scenario just a little differently, lets say the injured person does not die but instead manages to get self to hospital to receive treatment, and it turns out that injuries are going to require multiple years of different therapies and treatments to recover. Is it right that the offended take upon self all the cost and complex struggles involved in getting to and through therapies and treatments, managing extra challenges that living with injuries requires possibly experiencing additional grievous injuries that occur due to damage done in original accident , while offender looks on with mild (or not so mild, if the truth were told) condemnation that offended/injured person is not able to live in the freedom of forgiveness as the offender has taught himself to do? Does this scenario really sound like it reflects God’s will and provision for injustices done?

Is it not justice that persons who commit violent crimes must pay with sentence passed down by judge or jury? Is it not proper that men who father a child by sexual acts with child’s mother must contribute to the support of that child until the child reaches age of maturity? Does forgiveness requested and/or given in any way diminish the responsibility of offender to be responsible to bear the consequences of sinful acts on victims? Is it shameful or wrong of injured person to need treatment for healing, even if it exposes perpetrator to social or public condemnation, whether or not that condemnation is justly or appropriately conveyed? Please do not misunderstand – I am not equating brother’s cancer to just recompense for injuries he caused. Cancer, as I see it, is natural consequence of repressing conscience which, if it had been listened to, would have lead to willing contributions toward relieving the burdens which are being born by injured persons as direct result of being victims. It would have freed conscience from need to hide guilt, and when there is nothing to hide or repress there is nothing poisonous remaining to cause body to rebel against itself.

Just to be clear, these are the words of one who has spent many years dealing with, trying to comfort and nurture the ones so severely injured who grapple with self-rejection and self-condemnation because they are not able to be healed even when they have managed to truly forgive. Also the words of one who has ministered comfort to and watched as injured teens have gone through eating disorders and severe uncontrolled cutting to relieve themselves if only temporarily of the horrific guilt and self-condemnation they feel due to sexual promiscuity that was direct result of brother’s sexual assaults. They are the words of one who loves the Lord God more dearly than words are able to express, and who would never dream of minimizing to any extent the amazing and powerful, merciful grace of our Living Lord and Savior. And any anger and resentment that may be conveyed in these words are due to the lack of actions that should have followed the words of repentance – actions that would have validated the genuineness of repentance and brought true healing to both offended and offender. I take absolutely no delight or satisfaction in the fact that my brother must again battle this merciless monster that is called cancer. I would not wish it upon him for anything in the world; but I recognize it as the natural consequence of offenses attempted to be buried instead of truly healed.

And I have again become wordy in my endeavors to convey what is in my heart, so conclusion will have to come in yet one last post in this series.

It would appear, at least so far as my brother’s response to me is concerned, that he did it all right; and it would further appear that his spiritual growth and ministries would be evidence that this is the case; but I see it differently. Here is how I understand and see it:

When offense has caused severe injury to person, especially when injury is done to person’s sexuality (because Bible teaches that sexual sins are more grievous because they injure spirit as well as soul and body of both offender and offended), part of true repentance is doing all within power to assist person to heal. Even when it has been  applied to Jesus’ sacrifice on cross so that there is no longer penalty to be paid in eternal damnation, there remains need to cleanse one’s soul with repentant acts of acknowledgement and reconciliation towards person sinned against {by this I mean not that person must necessarily stand before public gathering (unless offense was done against that whole gathering) and declare offense for all the world to know; and I do not mean that they should in any way minimize the redemptive acts of Jesus Christ or the total payment of Christ’s death for the eternal penalty that is the price of committing these sins against another human being. In addition, I do not mean that the guilty person who has been forgiven by both God and person offended should continue to wallow in self-condemnation or self-rejection. But I do mean that he would be open and honest to all he offended -being open and honest and accountable about offense to all  close family members, anyone involved in needed healing process of offended person or persons, and anyone who is being ministered to in the redemptive process of God’s miraculous transformation of offense into ministry for both offended and offender. This would require repeated acknowledgment of sin and ownership of offense (possibly in a variety of venues or situations, and possibly to do so publicly) as well as repeated thanksgiving to God for forgiveness and praise that He is able to take what was grievous offense and use it to bring healing and grace to others (in those same venues or situations). It would also mean possibly attending therapy sessions with offended person if geographic distance permits, or possibly writing letters or doing long distance phone calls during sessions to participate in healing process of offended person; paying money or taking care of some financial responsibilities entailed in injured person receiving healing, and it would mean not hiding guilt/responsibility or denying it when confronted with realities involved.}

In case of brother, he was very successful in burying his responsibility very deep. So far as we know, he never mentioned it to anyone ever again, or discussed it with us unless we brought it up to him again, and in those instances he kept the conversation very brief. Often we would be saying forgiven again and he would be saying how he wished we would just truly completely forgive him and get on with our lives. One time he said he was grieved that we were wasting precious time trying to heal  that should be spent  with growing family.

It must also be said that this is a very narrow view of my brother’s secret sin. I was not only person sexually assaulted by brother; and he has not dealt with each offended person same way. When my other brother confronted him, he responded with anger and denial. My sister has been unwilling to acknowledge offense done to her (so far as I know this remains true, though much time has passed since I know this was true so it is possible some thing/things have transpired between them that I know nothing about), and oldest brother has therefore not been confronted about sin done against her. There seems to be assumption that no sin confessed needs no repentance or forgiveness. (It would seem to be assumed by both brother and sister that if past sin is ignored and/or denied it cannot have any impact on today’s living.) These sins against other siblings would also not be properly dealt with and would also be poisons in oldest brother’s spirit,soul and body  (as well as in the bodies of his victims).

Let me be clear about brother’s response to his acts of violation and violence against us. At time of violation he threatened us to keep us silent. Later, when he was confronted by us as adults, he quickly and willingly admitted complete guilt and did not in any way dismiss or justify his actions. He called them sins and said he was very sorry, that he did not deserve forgiveness but he asked us for it anyway. He explain that he has recently become true believer in Christ Jesus – that he believed that he had been washed clean of the guilt that Christ died on the cross to pay for and redeem him from, but that he also needed my forgiveness. At that time we said we did forgive him;  but gradually we realize that we would continue to need to forgive him at deeper and deeper levels. This he did not understand, but he did not argue the point. He took our forgiveness and so far as we know he never again permitted himself to own any responsibility or guilt and did not see any need to revisit the topic again. There was no public acknowledgment, no confession to father/parents or siblings (that we know of), no involvement or encouragement in healing process we must go through. In fact, he would express confusion and grief about why we would not simply follow his example and be free of the whole issue instead of all the years of therapy and medications and treatment.

It is Monday, day after Easter. Though we did little activity  to actually celebrate the day, my body and mind are greatly fatigued yet my spirit is bursting w/ praise and adoration of the One who conquered the grave.

Worship service was wonderful. I was able to attend worship and fellowship with dear ones who raise us in prayer often and who I lift in prayer also – because we are spiritual family – part of the body of the church which is the bride of Christ – the one He will return to take home to be with Him forever!

I realize I am speaking in terms that those who do not know Christ and are not familiar with these terms may be confused. For this I apologize. I do not know other way to speak of what is in my spirit that is almost too ecstatic to contain. What a wonderful and glorious and all powerful God we adore and serve! He was able even to conqueror death so that there is nothing more to dread. Our enemy can no longer taunt us or frighten us with threat of death. Death has become nothing more than an unknown door through which we must pass to enter eternal presence with the One we adore most.

Life is but a necessary time of preparation and service so that on that day when we go to be with our Savior we may hear His words, “Well done, thou faithful servant. Come and enter into the reward I have prepared uniquely for you.” These words I long to hear.

This blog is part of the service I do for Him, and so I want it to glorify Him in every way. Even the parts of the blog that are not specifically Christian are intended to reflect Him in the way He has uniquely designed us to  reveal Him and His extreme mercy revealed in His craftsmanship of DID.

This is much to contemplate. I will not add more. To God be the honor and glory forevermore. Amen

Second factor that is causing struggle right now is that we just began EMDR to deal with very deep, harsh wound caused by sister. We have not dealt with this before because it involves children, and children are still deeply wounded by what sister did. They have blamed me and my husband because that is what sister told them or what they concluded because they were confused by the disparaging explanations- with sister blaming us and us saying what sister was telling them was not true.  I do not want to cause pain to children by speaking/writing about truth of what happened between sister and us; yet it is very much part of our story. We cannot write our live story without speaking truth, and one thing that came clear to us while we were unable to post anything due to hacking is that we need to start posting actual portions of book.

You probably figured out that we hadn’t gotten all the bugs out when we thought we had. Hopefully now we really are bug-free and we can proceed without further interruptions

That being said, we are in the process of transferring hosting services in the near future. We don’t anticipate there will be much change in the way the blog looks or operates, so readers may not even notice any difference; but in light of all the disruptions lately I thought it good to mention.

The interruption did serve a useful purpose, though.  I have had time to contemplate and re evaluate how to be more focused .on one of the primary purposes for the blog – to put my life story into book form. I am in the process now of writing the opening scene for the book. It’s proving to be a significant challenge to recapture the events as they unfolded in a way that keeps the interest of the readers. I will be interested in hearing your reactions and responses when I get it ready to post here first.