I’ve been feeling the need to post more frequently lately; but in all honesty I wanted to be in a better space when I did it.
I’ve been primarily out for several months now, and I’m exhausted and discouraged. There is an undercurrent issue that I struggle with – I don’t want a name. I’m willing to do my work on healing, even to do my work on the book, but I don’t want anyone to be able to say___________________ did this or said that. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. So that shadows everything else I do.
At first I thought I would extract all the questions asked in the high school or on-line community, and then write our answers or possibly add my own perspective in addition to what was answered in the original format. Pretty quickly I added some of the questions given to my children and what their answers were. This turned into a huge project, but I thought other personalities could easily step in and carry on with this strategy even when I wasn’t out anymore. Then it became clear I needed to do some work with external children about their father’s abuse, and if that wasn’t enough now it looks like I need to write at least the beginning if not all the writing for the book about sister and her family. The more I looked at possible ramifications for telling the truth about what happened, the more I really was considering not writing the book at all. However, I’ve talked with both of my older girls and they strongly encouraged me to not abort the book or our commitment to telling the truth. So at least for now, I’m going to continue to write.