I almost hate to even write this post – it makes it more tangible and real; but the dire warnings have come repeatedly for the past week or so and I have to put it down. I fear that a tragedy is about to happen to my Beloved. I would be so lost if anything terrible happened to him. He does our finances, he sets up all my medications (and there are many – it takes him hours every two weeks just to fill the separate boxes), he’s extremely knowledgeable and skilled with the computers, and those are just the very practical ways I am dependent on him. Emotionally I don’t know how I could face a day without him. He is my soul mate, and dearest companion. My heart literally aches at the thought of losing him. My heart cries out to God in agonizing pleading. I feel like the disciples when Jesus was saying He was about to be crucified. “NO LORD!!! THIS CAN’T BE!!!

I try to calm my fears and reassure myself that it might not come to fruition. Maybe it’s just a wake-up call to get me to be less dependent in the details of daily living. The fact is, I don’t really know what or when something will happen. Of course, we all could die at any time, and it is prudent and wise to have preparations made in advance. I have been procrastinating about talking to him about this for days now. Every day I think, “This is not a good time to bring it up.” but the pressure is building inside. He is napping now; but I am thinking that I will need to at least bring it up enough to get it onto his radar that we need a heavy discussion soon. God help us.