Introducing Intimate External Relationships

Posted on August 22, 2012 by

I’m starting a new category which I am entitling, “Intimate External Relationships”. This will include extended family relationships, immediate family relationships, close friendships through the years, and counselors through the years (at least that is what I am envisioning at the moment). It will not include relationships between different personalities, though that would make another good category, because we consider all of those to be internal relationships.

I will try to avoid names as much as possible, and if I feel I must use a name it will be an assigned name for the purpose of anonymity. I’ve explained before, but I suppose it bears repeating, that my desire in doing this blog (as well as the book I hope to write) is to not injure anyone’s reputation or esteem.

One reason this is coming up now has to do with the next phase of writing the book. It covers a very sensitive time in my life when someone I dearly love said and did extremely injuring things – things that remain unresolved to this day, which makes them very hard to write about. It has given me serious pause as I struggle to reconcile my desire to be as kind and loving in my expression of what happened and my understanding of why it happened with my commitment and calling to write with honesty and integrity. My ability to post on this blog has been hindered, as well as my ability to function normally in everyday life. I have focused much of my counseling time and personal prayer time figuring out what to express, how to express it, when, and through what means. I feel the need to do it pressing in on me, yet there very well may be a horrendous price to pay when I do. I’m convinced that it is what God wants me to do and He is stressing to me that now is the time, yet I truly fear it will be the end of this relationship permanently as well as seriously injuring other relationships I hold dear.

Some of you can relate to what I am going through. Your life journey has taken you down similar roads. Maybe you are at the crossroads of a similar decision right now. It’s hard and scarey to do what you believe in your heart of hearts is the right thing to do when the ramifications that threaten to come as a result of your obedience are ones you dearly dread. Only God has the courage you need to follow through with the right choice; and so you lean hard on Him as you move forward on shaky legs, praying hard the whole time that you will have not only the courage you need to carry through but also the stamina you need to cope with the fall-out that comes afterwards. I’d love to hear about it, and I’d dearly appreciate your prayer support.

Even though I have diligently searched my heart for any trace of unresolved anger or resentment stemming from that time in my life, and I find none, still I keep hearing messages about the need for complete and total forgiveness. Perhaps in the process of writing about it, something will surface that for now remains hidden. If so I will deal with it. It has cost me dearly to embrace my commitment to forgiveness, and I can’t conceive of anything that could merit any harboring of unforgiveness now.

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known but not knowing

Posted on August 13, 2012 by

I had an experience that was totally normal for a multiple but used to make me fee certain I was seriously crazy and I struggled hard to hide the facts from being known to the other person. I met up with a person who was a stranger to me, but it was obvious she knew me well and expected me to introduce her to my offspring. *I scrambled searching through my brain for context of our acquaintance, and came up with a name I was pretty sure was the right name for this person. I introduced her to a son and daughter by that name, and was greatly relieved when it was confirmed that I did have the right name. She said she remembered Youngest son from years ago, and didn’t really know daughter (?), just then another daughter came and completed the introductions for me (whew!)

It’s always so uncomfortable when you are aware that someone clearly knows you and has known you for a long time but you search the deepest resources of your mind for a context of acquaintance or a name and come up a total blank,      We have a personality who is very good at sounding in conversation like she knows what she is talking about but in reality she has no idea and is actively extracting information in the hopes that something they say will spark a note of familiarity. You would be amazed the number of times it works – either we are able to identify how/where we know them from or else we walk away from the conversation without ever giving away to the person that we had no idea who they were or what we were talking about.

It’s just one of the common experiences that every multiple experiences that makes them feel crazy before an accurate diagnosis and embarrassed after the diagnosis.

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Confronted by Conflict

Posted on August 2, 2012 by

I’ve been prayerfully contemplating how to go about sharing the next part of my “story” (the next part of my life I want to share following Abigail’s out-coming a few decades ago). Quite honestly, it’s part of my history that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, and I have little hope that it ever will. It was a time of extreme conflict between my sister and I; and it’s something that she is resolutely determined not to revisit with me, so I have little hope of ever knowing her side of the story. If I just tell my side of the story, it reflects very poorly on her. I feel confident that her side sounds very different than mine; yet no matter how I look at it, I come up with either compromising my commitment to integrity and imposing my own assumptions about my sister’s version without substantiating any of it, or making her out to be far less caring than she really is.

My sister and I have moved on as best we could without any communication about the conflict – something her nature seems to better equip her to do than mine equips me to do. I really long for it to all have no more impact on our relationship – something she seems to have successfully accomplished; but it ever escapes my grasp.

There are times it seems too much like unforgiveness that stands in the way on my part; but I have painstakingly endeavored to harbor no unforgiveness. I suspect it has more to do with a wound that just won’t heal without some level of understanding from my sister (as apposed to my aching heart’s rational of my sister’s intentions and actions).

There was a time when my sister held a powerful leverage over me if I should dare breach the taboo subject with her, but that leverage no longer applies. Still, I cannot bring myself to bring up the past for fear that it will jeopardize  the relationship we have managed to rebuild over the years. I desperately desire a relationship with her that is free of the pains of the past, but unless she chooses to broach the subject with me, I see no way. The bottom line in terms of our relationship is that I have determined to settle for whatever level of intimacy we can build upon the rubble of our past rather than risk the loss of what we have. However, in the writing of my story, I am again confronted with what to share and how to share it. I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to my dilemma.

Maybe you can relate to either my sister or myself. Maybe there is a relationship you deeply desire to be more intimate and trustworthy than it is or seemingly can ever be. If so, maybe you can hear my heart or even give me counsel. I would be open to it.

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Passing Time or Passing Out

Posted on August 2, 2012 by

I haven’t forgotten you all. Last week I went a 6 day & night stretch with only a total of around 6 hours sleep. That ended this past week end and ever since then I have been sleeping day and night with only brief times of awakeness.

I’m not entirely sure what is causing this struggle to stabilize sleep.  I don’t really have anything I want to say, either. I just wanted you to know I’m going through a rough patch when I’m not really able to focus on internet much at all. I know I’m not sounding very coherent, so I won’t persist. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

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Ephesians 2:10

Posted on July 28, 2012 by

“10 For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), [d]recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].” (Amplified Version)

There are so many ways in which this verse speaks to all Christians. The verses that come before and after it speak to God’s extreme mercy in showing us His grace through His Son, Jesus Christ. It is because of His mercy that we are given the privileged to live a life of meaning and purpose – a unique purpose He had in mind for us to do from the beginning of time. He gazed through the ages of time to the moment when He would begin molding and making us, building into our essence of being, our homes, our families, our experiences – using each to prepare us and equip us for the special work that He intends us to do to bring Him glory. It’s an amazing and exciting thing to contemplate. It’s also very sobering and challenging because He gives us the right and responsibilities to make the choices that bring that purpose into reality.

I see His workmanship when I reflect back on our life – both the unthinkably horrible parts of it and the exuberantly joyous blessings of it. A poet has described it as a beautifully designed fabric of intricately interwoven patterns incorporating both dark colors and brilliant hues to create a unique and exquisite work of art. We look at it from the underneath and we see a bunch of knots; but He looks at it from the top and sees a masterpiece that brings Him tremendous joy.

Our multiplicity is a dominant theme woven throughout our fabric. A dominant theme in your life might be your love of nature or a musical talent. I can’t help but think of the Olympians gathered in London tonight – each with a unique talent and each having followed their own  journey to bring them to this moment of extreme anticipation. The path that has brought them to this moment in their lives has included high hopes and deep disappointments that have combined to equip them with the drive and determination to exhibit their very best performance in their area of discipline. This is their moment to shine.

We still have much striving ahead to reach that point in our life. Perhaps you do, too. May God continue to lead and guide us as we endeavor to live our daily moments so that we may fulfill His plans and purposes for our life.

 

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Convicted and In Process of Correction

Posted on July 24, 2012 by

First of all, I need to tell you that I am the same personality who has been out semi-consistently for a few weeks now, so the posts that have been written in that time have been mostly written by me (except for Aner’s post…and maybe one of the child personalities did a post – I just can’t recall right now).

As we have mentioned before, Christian radio is a frequent source of Spiritual instruction and encouragement for us. Today we listened to an interview with Ann Graham Lotz on “Living the Promise” with Susie Larson. Ann is the oldest daughter of the evangelist, Billy Graham; and has a ministry called Angels Ministry. She is a well known author and speaker in her own right, and today I was strongly convicted through the interview I heard. (By the way, if you struggle with regular Bible study and personal application, I encourage you to go to her website, www.anngrahamlotz.com, and go to her “free resources” page where she has a few articles on strategies for making your Bible study times a source of life-changing, intimate communion with God.)

As I listened to the program, I became increasingly aware of the Holy Spirit enlightening me about some specific things related to this blog and the book we are writing. I realized that we have been leisurely about posting and making progress towards getting the manuscript written and details planned out for the book, as if it really didn’t matter if we posted consistently or completed the book within any measure of time. We have written what and when we were motivated to do so, with no real organization or strategy or time frame.

We do pray for those who read/will read what we write – that you will be blessed or encouraged or gain new insight into multiplicity, life struggles, and Spiritual growth and maturity. It is our hope and prayer that you will then be better equipped to apply what you learn here to your own lives and/or the lives of people God touches through you. However, we have not followed through with those prayers by being conscientious about prioritizing or planning out what and when we write.

I am not totally clear on specifically all the details of what will be changing or how this new insight will be reflected in future writings. We need to do some more listening to our Savior about the details of what He wants us to do in response; but it seems clear that today will be a point of change in how we go about strategically  prioritizing and organizing what we write and when we write it.

If you read this and are inspired with some ideas or suggestions on what would make this blog more helpful, enjoyable, or useful to you, I would be delighted to receive them. Maybe you will be one of the ways God instructs me on what and how we need to adjust what we are doing so that it can become more of a blessing to you and others.

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Explanation of body image/Food Issues by Aner

Posted on July 21, 2012 by

I’m not too good at talking about much of anything, most especially myself or my issues. It actually seems strange to be doing this right now at all; but I’m out and I feel quite strongly that there has been a major oversight in not addressing body image type stuff and food issues.

Food issues are central to so many aspects of our multiplicity. Some of our earliest and most verified traumas are related to food. Long story short: we went on a hunger strike at age 5 months because we believed ourself to have been abandoned. Refusing to eat just got us into more trouble, though, since adults get a bit panicky when babies don’t eat anything for days on end. Driven to drastic measures, they don’t always stop to think about the fact that their attempts to force feed might be sending food into the lungs instead of the stomach.

That was just the beginning. Food issues got more complex over the years. On top of that, body image, relating to the body, taking care of it, even being able to look into a mirror and see a reflection got to be a major challenge.

When I look into a mirror (an experience I intentionally avoid whenever possible) I “see” (perceive) my strong, healthy, young adult, very masculine body. My mood might register in that reflection; but most assuredly I do not see the clothing and appearance of the physical body I’m stuck inside of. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to intentionally attempt to see what the world around me sees when they look at this body. Nothing about it fits who I am. It’s downright embarrassing to have to attend to it or try to make it do what I would do without thought or intention if what I see in the mirror were indeed the body I live in.

It’s pretty common place for all the personalities to not mentally connect any sense of “me” or “self” with the physical body we reside in. The body is an entity completely separate from my identity. More times than not it is a bother to take care of, a hindrance to what I want to be able to do. Not everybody feels the same way as I do about the body; but very few of us (if any at all) can say we like the body, though some of us are more comfortable than others.

Each personality “sees” a different image when looking at the body. Some have body image issues related to destructive food issues. Child personalities see themselves in a body of their own age. Back when we were newly diagnosed, some of us drew self portraits. It was interesting to see how there were distinct similarities to our physical features- shape of eyes, general shape of head, etc., but each one was clearly unique. To see the whole collection, you might think you were looking at the results of a classroom full of artists of varying ages who all drew their own impression of the same model, with one notable difference – one drawing looked like the model weighed 400+ lbs, and there were drawings done by very young artists who’s drawings reflected the age of the artist – stick figures, or hands and legs extending out of the head – that kind of age appropriate drawings.

Well, this was a rather rambling introduction to two major topics that I hope others will flush out in more detail as they have opportunity. For now,  I guess it’s an acceptable start.

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Crazy AM Rolodexing

Posted on July 17, 2012 by

It’s some crazy a.m. hour in the middle of the night and my supper won’t be out of the oven for about another 1/2 hour. I couldn’t begin to tell you who I really am, since I’m rolodexing so fast that by the time I wrote my name I would have switched to someone else. In case it hasn’t previously been explained, rolodexing is a term created by the many of me to describe the experience of extremely rapid switching. For those of you old enough to remember what a Rolodex file is, imagine someone just spinning a Rolodex file, flipping one name/address file after another in rapid succession. That’s what comes closest to describing what it’s like when we switch so fast that we can’t keep up with ourself. Rollodexing is a self-protective mode that has a somewhat numbing effect on us making it possible to function (believe it or not – this is a significant improvement over what we would be like if we weren’t rollodexing).

Earlier tonight our Beloved handed us a letter we got in the mail today from one of his/our relatives. It had some very distressing and highly triggering news in it which has us far too distressed to attempt sleep. The heat has been just about unbearable…again; so chances are we wouldn’t be all too inclined to attempt rest anyway; but really “distressed” is too mild a word to adequately describe our current state. Approaching dangerous might come closer. The letter has us battling images from the past and harmful impulses from here and  now. Either one alone can be quite challenging to keep under control; but right now as I type and switch I am bombarded by an on slot of both at the same time. If I weren’t so exhausted from heat + many tears, I’m not sure I would be able to keep typing.

Goodness! I sound so melodramatic! It would be nice to honestly confess exaggeration right now… oh well. Life will go on. Life must go on. We will go on. We will. Yes, we will. Although daunted, we are determined. We will not be the source of piercing pain to our loved ones – not our loved ones emotionally or ourself physically. We refuse. We must refuse. To this we cling. It’s how we get through. We cling for this moment, trusting that when this moment is past, another will come with the same challenge. The fact that we succeeded in the moment just past gives courage to hope and trust that the next moment will conclude with the same result. And on and on we go from one moment to the next to the next until gradually the rollodexing can slow down and we can face remotely longer moments at a time. Sometimes this is all that stands between us and disaster. Tonight we feel very fragile – yes, very fragile indeed. One breath, than another.

Enough moments have gone that our supper has finished cooking and we have consumed it. Now the physical pain is demanding our attention. Though we really don’t like resorting to medication, tonight we will. It is there so that we can choose to use it when it’s needed. Tonight it is needed.

 

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The Difference Between Truth and Fact

Posted on July 3, 2012 by

In the writing of anyone’s memoirs, it’s very important to understand the difference between “truth” and “fact”. It may confuse some people that the recall of an event or series of events can be 100% truthful without being 100% factual.

It is commonly understood (and I ask you now to keep in mind) that if you have a sudden event occur with 4 different on-lookers and you asked each of those four people to tell you what they just saw happen, you most likely will get four different stories. In fact, these stories can potentially not only contain very different information, some of the information contained may even  be contradictory. Even though that is the case, each of these people are telling the honest truth about what they saw. Everyone is telling the truth, even though no one is telling all of the facts, because the likelihood is extremely remote that every fact of the actual occurrence was both noticed and reported by anyone .

There are several reasons for ( and theories about) these inconsistencies. They will including the location from which each person made their observations, what details they focused on, and how what they saw may relate to some of their past experiences.Keeping this in mind, I hope you are able to understand that what I report in my memoirs is the truth as it has been recalled by one or more of my personalities.

It should also be noted that when a person is retelling the events of someone else as it has been related to them by the person who experienced it, there will naturally be additional discrepancies. It is not indicative of the story teller’s lack of intention to retell the story exactly as it was presented to them; but rather it is a natural phenomenon that takes place in the retelling of the experiences of someone else.

The more time that passes between the actual events occurring and the writing down of the recollections, the more likely details of the events will have been forgotten or incorrectly recalled. Thankfully, we have kept up a habit of journalism much of the time we have been in therapy (and in fact, much of our lives since childhood) so we have these writings to reference while putting them  in book form.

When one personality  is reporting the experiences of another personality, it should be noted that their reporting of an event can either be more similar to the second hand information, or alternatively similar to two different people relating their own version of an experience the two of them share.This is because the two personalities may or may not have been sharing consciousness when the event occurred. If the two personalities are sharing consciousness at the time of the event, their reporting will be more like two people viewing the same thing at the same time. If they do not share consciousness when the event occurs, it will closer resemble a retelling of the experiences of someone else.

As for The Many of Me, we have placed a very high priority on telling the truth. Intentionally giving false or misleading information, or intentionally misrepresenting an experience is something that all of us are deeply committed not to do. There have been times when we have recalled information in pieces, and we may report these events in pieces as we write them down to share with you.To give you one example, during the initial recall to the conscious memory of one trauma, all the people involved in the memory were disguised with beards and mustaches to hide their identity so that the facts of the memory could be recalled to consciousness separate from the identities of the individuals involved. It was not a choice that was made by any individual personality; but it was our brain’s way of letting the trauma of the event be experienced separate from the trauma of realizing who was involved in the acts being recalled. When this specific alteration to the facts occurred to us, even the women and children were disguised with beards and mustaches; so it was very apparent that identities were being masked, not  facts being misrepresented. After the initial shock of the memory recall was absorbed, the masks were removed.

In the writing of the book, as is true of the web site, we will alter the names of people, places, and other identifying information to preserve our anonymity and to protect the identities of external ( “outside”) people who are involved in the various parts of our life that we write about.  I have asked some of these other individuals to contribute writings of their perspectives to include with my writing so that you can have a little bit broader view of things. Most likely, when you read what they write, you will recognize some differences between what I recall and what other people are writing. So far as I know, there isn’t any way to rule out all discrepancies between what I write and what they report as fact. Again, I will just like to point out that we trust that they will share what they honestly think and feel as they recall it.

I don’t know if the priority we place on being truthful stems from being a multiple or not – it may just be a personal conviction stemming from my upbringing; but one of the few things that can be said about every one of my personalities is that we set a high priority on telling the truth.I must admit to some exaggeration in everyday conversation. For example, I might say something like, “It’s been raining nonstop for days on end!”, when in fact there were breaks in the rain over the days being discussed. Additionally, when discussing memories, a statement like, “It seemed like forever….” may also appear. While acknowledging these qualifiers, I can honestly say that no one withing this body will intentionally say a misleading or knowingly false statement about our past experiences.

 

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A Quick Explanation

Posted on June 27, 2012 by

I have been working for the past few days on a post (that at this point is looking like it will be more than one post). I am very much feeling the need to at least post this brief explanation.

I am the same Beth who wrote the post about Abigail’s experience when she came out for the first time in  a very long time. I did explain, I believe, when I wrote that post, that I was writing about her experience, not my own. Still, others inside have been a bit concerned that my view or memory of the events were incomplete and not in line with Abigail’s. I’m sure now, as I was then, that Abigail will tell her view; and I would assume that it would be obvious that her account will be more accurate and detailed than mine. If there would be any doubt, please let me clear that up right now. I have told about the experience as best I can recall. Still, I fully acknowledge that my recall may be lacking in some areas.

Actually, this has been the first time since our recent surgeries that we have been able to have any real communication between personalities. Up until now whoever was out was very isolated from anyone internally, so in some sense this is an indication that healing is taking place internally as well as physically.

Much more healing needs to take place before we are functioning at a level close to our previous selves, and I am exhausted for all the effort I have extended these past few days trying to improve our ability to function. For this reason I will have to again delay the posting of the other piece which has been an actual joint effort on the part of The Many of Me. I wish I could convey the significance of that statement alone, but suffice it to say that it has been a very encouraging occurrence after a prolonged period of discouraging experiences.

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